This morning my daughter was showing me her videos she makes on her iPad. All on her own she learned how to use multiple editing programs for designing comic/anime style videos with sound and all sorts of effects. And while this was a total proud mama moment (and maybe even a win for self-directed education) I want to talk about something more subtle that came up between us as I gushed over how cool I thought her videos were:
As I told her how impressed I was, she picked up that she was receiving positive attention from me. And after we were done talking this influenced her to dive back into video making with added extrinsic motivation of gaining my love and approval.
Now, I don’t think that getting positive attention for doing something awesome is bad. But I want my daughter to know that I don’t think she is awesome BECAUSE she makes cool videos. I think she is great with or without the video making. I want her to honor whatever she is intrinsically motivated to do, for her own reasons, not condition her to gain the approval of others.
So, right after our convo, as she’s working away again on the iPad, I gently let her know that.
I said: “Hey, I just wanted you to know that even if you didn’t make those videos, I would still think you’re awesome. I just love you for you.” And a big smile crossed her face. Now this moment turned into a double positive. Her feeling great about her successes, but also knowing she is worthy just by being her.
A lot of kids are the approval seeking type. When faced with conditional love (or even what they perceive as conditional love) they will choose to please rather than rebel or defy. These types of personalities are sometimes easier to overlook when we are being unconscious because they don’t trigger us. They please our biases and skate by under the radar (and that’s exactly why they do it. As a defense mechanism to avoid disapproval). Being conscious of this helps me notice when, even unintentionally, I influence my daughter to do x,y, z as a way to gain more of my love.
As a balancing point I still join her in her joy and exploration wherever that takes her. I still express when I think what she does is awesome. But I do my best to love her even in the small ordinary moments. I do my best to let her to know that my love is not dependent on her achievements. My love is there for her regardless.
Photo by guille pozzi on Unsplash
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