UNPOPULAR OPINION: I’d rather have a child who tells me: “you’re not the boss of me” than who blindly obeys everything I say. One time my daughter responded “you’re not the boss of me!” I was caught a little off guard. I felt the pull of generations of belief that tell us this is disrespectful and the child needs to be put in their place.
But I reminded myself that the goal of parenting is not about winning dominance or satisfying my ego. The goal is to foster cooperation through understanding and connection.
So I said, “You’re right. I'm not the boss of you. I’m curious where I went wrong to give the impression I was trying to control you. Let’s talk about it.”
Usually my instruction comes with good reason. And good reason is often understood by a child if we give them a chance to understand it. But in the busyness of daily life it is easy to overlook opportunities where conversation was really the best option rather than direction.
This might take a little more of your time, but when children feel like their power bucket is full and their autonomy hasn’t been habitually stripped from them, they have a natural capacity for understanding and working together.
Other times my child is totally right and calling me on my power trip. With kids, it’s easy to fall into power trips. It’s the way we are conditioned to treat little humans who are less able to advocate for themselves. They can be easy scapegoats to project our upset feelings onto, rather than take responsibility for own state of being.
But by growing up in the the culture of a consent based home and a self-directed school, my kids have been raised with beliefs like: You are your own person. You choose what to do with your time and your body. It is so foreign for them to have their autonomy restricted that when someone does, they are very apt to recognize it.
I consider this a win. When they stand up for themselves I don’t interpret that as back-talk or disrespect. I give myself kudos for raising such aware, self-advocating little humans who haven’t lost touch with their innate sovereignty. And who are much less likely to accept a world that strips them of it.
*Photo of my daughter wearing one her favorite wigs before heading off to school.
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